I can’t remember the last time I had a coffee from Dunkin. I used to love going to Dunkin- not necessarily for their coffee, but because when I woke up hungover in Indiana, PA, the morning almost always started with a Dunkin iced coffee (a large, or as we used to call it, a Big Fucking Coffee). I didn’t care if the coffee was good or not, I just drank it. 

Nowadays, I make my coffees at home (I finally made the financial investment into getting a Nespresso) or drive out of my way to stop at a local coffee shop. It would definitely be easier to just stop at Dunkin, but I just don’t have it in me anymore to play the roulette game of “crack or crick water.” No matter how mediocre the coffee is, it just doesn’t hit the same anymore.

I have always been a Starbucks over Dunkin girlie. In fact, I did a whole assignment on the two feuding companies for one of my marketing classes when I was an underclassmen. I argued that Starbucks was the superior because even though the coffees are more expensive, they are always consistent in taste. Whether I’m in the middle of nowhere or in the heart of the city, I can trust that my Starbucks order will taste how I like it. 

But no matter my college coffee preferences, if I was with the right group of people, they could easily convince me to change my mind and get a caramel iced coffee with cream and liquid sugar on a Saturday morning. Now that I am living back at home and have moved on from my college days, I only ever go to Dunkin for a dozen assorted donuts to bring back as a surprise for my family. 

Sidebar– Another part of the reason I don’t get coffee from Dunkin anymore is because on one of my very first days at my current job, my work bestie told me a story of a friend of a friend who drank a Dunkin coffee only to discover there was a rat in the bottom of the cup. Even just thinking about it now makes me shutter- how the hell does a rat accidentally find its way inside a coffee cup? The conspiracy theory is that it was a targeted attack, but I don’t want to risk it. 

Sorry, Dunkin’. I am a big fan of your social media marketing team, and an even bigger fan of your Valentine’s Day brownie batter donuts, but I am just not a fan of your bevs. 

I am truly sorry if I have offended any Dunkin’ stans. You can keep your watered down, never consistent, mediocre iced coffees, and I will stick to supporting cafes that sell slightly overpriced oat milk lattes. 

End of rant. Mac Mead signing off. 

Peace, love, and heart shaped donuts.